Then I thought about my mom and how bummed out she’d be if I killed myself. I realized I could never find a spot far enough off the path where there wasn’t some chance a little kid out for a hike, or a young couple looking for a make-out spot, or an old man with a picnic basket and a picture of his late wife, might find me. My plan was to carry that rope out as far away from people as I could, find a sturdy tree, and do the deed.īut when I stepped out of my car I saw some kids playing in the field right near the parking lot. I put a bunch of rope in the trunk of my car and drove out to the Gorge Metro Park, just down the street from where I lived. I felt like all I had to look forward to was eking out a meager existence in the muddy Midwest.
My dreams of making a living as a songwriter and musician were obviously never going to come true. I’d released five records on an indie label that had gotten some good press but gone nowhere in terms of sales. I was living in a decrepit punk rock house in Akron, Ohio. I came precariously close to killing myself one sunny day in the spring of 1992. If you’d have asked me before that spring day in 1992, I would have told you it was absolutely impossible for me to do any of the things I’ve done since that day. Discussing what sort of next life the person is likely to have isn’t supportive, I’d say. It’s more important just to be supportive. It’s a way to avoid the real question: What do we do when faced with the fact that someone we cared about has killed himself? No one ever knows the right thing to do or say when something like this happens. When dealing with someone’s suicide, vague speculations about rebirth don’t really help. For those who believe in rebirth, the entirety of the person’s life determines how he or she will be reborn, not just the last thing the person does. Even if we really do get reborn after we die, how can anyone say what sort of next life a person is likely to have, knowing only the fact that the person killed himself? There’s a lot more to any individual’s life than just how it ends.
I take all that stuff about rebirth with a big grain of salt, myself. This is because committing suicide causes so much pain and suffering to those who know and love the person who does it. It’s not believed that one is condemned to Hell forever for killing oneself, the way the Catholic tradition has it, but one is setting up conditions that will make one’s next birth more difficult than the life one chooses to end prematurely. Suicide is generally frowned upon by Buddhists as something to be avoided because it tends to lead to a less auspicious rebirth. The very prominent suicides by self-immolation that have been carried out by certain Buddhists in Vietnam, Tibet, and elsewhere have led some people to the conclusion that Buddhism sees suicide as a noble act.
That I don’t have a ready answer to the question tells you that these are not hot issues for Buddhists in the Zen tradition. It just wouldn’t happen, because these are very hot issues for Catholics. Imagine a person who had studied and practiced Catholicism for nearly thirty years not knowing what the Church’s position on suicide or abortion was. I gave the same answer I give when I’m asked about the Buddhist view on abortion: I don’t really know. That led people to ask me-not for the first time-what the Buddhist view on suicide is. And they were pretty sad when he killed himself last year. I didn’t really know Tyler, but a lot of my friends did. Zen teacher Brad Warner on the time he considered suicide-and the different kind of death he chose.
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